If you’re in a committed relationship, chances are it’s not all sunshine and roses. And if you believe that it is, then you must be in the early stages.
You know, the ones where you try really hard to be the person you think your partner wants you to be.
Like when you get up at 5:30 am to go jogging with your girlfriend… even though you are not a morning person or a runner.
Or when you have dinner waiting on the table for your fiance every night when he gets home from work… even though you are exhausted from working all day too.
Or when you pass up a chance to go to a hockey game with the guys because your partner feels like binge-watching a series on Netflix.
Ah, yes. We’ve all been there… the courtship.
And it’s grand!
Yet it’s not reality.
I mean, sure… it got you to where you are now. You fell in love. Those joyous, carefree moments meant something.
But now that you’ve found yourself deep in the trenches of true love, or marriage, things have changed a bit.
How Knowing Your Love Language Helps Your Relationship
As time goes by, every romantic relationship will see its share of ups and downs.
After all, life happens… and it can be stressful. Health issues, romance issues, work issues, social issues, parenting issues. And those are just some of the things that can affect a relationship.
So what can we do to prevent the rough patches from consuming us? From destroying the relationship we’ve worked so very hard to build?
Many of you will say that communication is key in a relationship… and it is. Open, honest communication is a fabulous start.
However…
Understanding the way your partner wants to be loved is also beneficial.
And lucky for you, the answer to that can be found in a simple love language test.
Think about it as someone gifting you with a box of tools to help make your partner feel better about themselves… more appreciated.
About Dr. Gary Chapman
The Love Language Quiz was created by Dr. Gary Chapman – author, speaker, and counselor
Chapman has a passion for people, and for helping them form lasting relationships and is a well-known marriage counselor and director of marriage seminars.
The 5 Love Languages® is one of Chapman’s most popular titles, topping various bestseller charts for years. He has also written books on Love Languages for:
Chapman has been directly involved in real-life family counseling since the beginning of his ministry years, and his nationally-syndicated radio programs air nationally on Moody Radio Network and over 400 affiliate stations.
The Story of The 5 Love Languages®
In his early years as a marriage counselor, Dr. Gary Chapman noticed over and over that couples would voice similar complaints regarding their marriage. One spouse would say something like, “I feel like he doesn’t love me. The other would protest, “I don’t know what else to do! I’m doing everything I should be doing.”
Recognizing a pattern, Dr. Chapman pored through years of session notes. He asked himself, “When someone said, ‘I feel like my spouse doesn’t love me,’ what do they actually want?” Surprisingly, their answers fell into five categories, revealing a unique approach in how to effectively love another person.
More than 25 years later, this revolutionary concept has improved millions of relationships across the globe. The premise is simple: different people with different personalities express love in different ways. Gary called these ways of expressing and receiving love the “5 Love Languages.” They are Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch.
A Quick Intro to the Love Language Quiz
This short online quiz is designed to help couples identify the unique ways in which they feel the most loved.
The 5 languages are:
- Words of Affirmation
- Acts of Service
- Quality Time
- Physical Touch
- Receiving Gifts
The quiz is simple, asking many of the same questions… only phrased differently. So don’t worry about being repetitive.
Also, if you aren’t sure of an answer, Chapman suggests picking the one closest to how you feel.
The quiz took me only about 10 minutes… a drop in the bucket to gain some very valuable insight into myself.
At the end, I was given my results immediately. They are emailed as well.
The highest score indicates your primary love language (the highest possible score is 12). It’s not uncommon to have two high scores, although one language does have a slight edge for most people. That just means two languages are important to you.
The lower scores indicate those languages you seldom use to communicate love and which probably don’t affect you very much on an emotional level.
You may have scored more highly on certain love languages than others, but do not dismiss those other languages as insignificant. Your partner may express love in those ways, and it will be helpful to you to understand this about him/her, according to Chapman.
I’m working on getting my husband to take the love language test.
Similarly, it will benefit your partner to know your primary love language in order to best express affection for you in ways that you interpret as love. Every time you or your partner speak each other's language, you score emotional points with one another.
Of course, there’s no actual scorecard! The payoff here is a greater sense of connection with your partner that comes from speaking each other's love language.
This translates into better communication and increased understanding of… which will likely lead to kickstart in the romance department.
Oooh la la.
So, back to the quiz.
My Love Language Quiz Results
Here are my results:
Words of Affirmation (10 out of 12)
Actions don't always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you.
Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward.
Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving.
Acts of Service (8 out of 12)
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely!
Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most wants to hear: “Let me do that for you.”
Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don't matter. Finding ways to serve speaks volumes to the recipient of these acts.
Quality Time (6 out of 12)
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention.
Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes your significant other feel truly special and loved.
Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Quality Time also means sharing quality conversation and quality activities.
Physical Touch (5 out of 12)
This language isn't all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy.
Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face – they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love.
Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Physical touch fosters a sense of security and belonging in any relationship.
Receiving Gifts (1 out of 12)
Don't mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift.
If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you.
A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous – so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are visual representations of love and are treasured greatly.
Now, let me say two things about Chapman’s love language test.
First, I thought my results were fairly spot on. I might have ranked physical touch a bit higher; however, the way the questions presented themselves to me dictated otherwise. Clearly, I favor a kind word over a squeeze of the buttocks… when it comes down to it.
Who knew?
Second, I felt that some of the questions were circumstantial in nature… as in, a person’s love language may change as situations do.
Let me explain.
Had I taken the quiz when we were dating, I’d wager I would have put a lot of weight on quality time and physical touch.
Ten years later, I am a stay at home mom to four young kids… meaning I tend to feel underappreciated and overworked sometimes.
Ok, a lot of the time.
Not just by the children, but by my husband.
You see, we’ve seem to hit a point in the relationship where the kids are getting older and costing more money (food, activities, vacations, parties, clothing)… so having only one main source of income is stressing him out.
Thus, he comes home some days acting as if I’ve done nothing all day.
No running the kids around. No laundry. No cooking. No cleaning. No food shopping. No playdates. No writing part-time.
My days are full as well, maybe not in the same way as his… but I am busy. And all I want is for him to acknowledge my contributions in the relationship by saying something nice.
And to lend a hand with the laundry here and there… which would be why I ranked Acts of Service pretty high.
So, yeah, the love language test nailed it.
I wonder what my husband’s results will show?
Maybe he feels the same way I do about Words of Affirmation?
I mean, while I’d like to fancy myself the perfect wife who always smiles, waxes compliments and never complains… I know I’m not.
Not all of the time anyway {smirk}.
In fact, if I’m being honest, I’ve caught myself complaining on quite a few occasions… usually on school day mornings, before that first cup of coffee kicks in.
Up with the kids a few times last night… four lunches to pack… dishes to do… husband still in bed.
So, one of my New Year’s Resolutions is to wake up 30 minutes earlier on school days… giving myself some quiet time to have that cup of joe and start making lunches before the kids come downstairs.
Then, all that’s left is breakfast and getting them on the bus.
Easy peasy.
I can say that this has helped alleviate my stress and put me in a better mood, which my husband is likely happy about as well. So now he just needs to acknowledge the “new me” by speaking my love language and providing those Words of Affirmation.
Wow! Mind blown.
But here’s my point…
Final Thoughts on the Love Language Test
The love language test, whether both of you take it or not, is not meant to place blame.
Just because I have a tendency to feel most loved in a certain way (language)… doesn’t mean my partner doesn’t show me, love. He just does it in his own way.
The test is, however, meant to clue yourself and your partner into how you are feeling. Thus, forcing an open conversation and potentially unlocking suppressed issues you’ve been hiding… before they bubble up to the surface and explode via an argument – or worse.
Many couples don’t communicate properly until it’s too late. That is why the divorce rate is still so high.
The love language test is just another tool to help you keep your relationship rock solid… and, personally, I’ll take all the help I can get.
Why?
Because I love my husband and our family. I am invested in this marriage. This life.
If a love language test is another way of keeping the lines of communication open… I’m game.
Are you?
More Tests for the Taking
If you like the love language test, Chapman also offers Apology and Anger quizzes. Similar to the Couples quiz, these tests are designed to reveal your apology and anger languages.
I plan to take them both.
Why not?
Color me curious.
And if you’re a fan of any or all of the love language tests on the website… you can subscribe to Chapman’s 5 Love Languages® newsletter for new content, helpful suggestions, and sincere support delivered straight to your inbox. Plus, you get discount codes for featured resources and a link to author Gary Chapman’s podcast!
For more resources you can use to express and explore your love, check out these articles:
- 7 Relationship Core Values Quizzes & Assessments
- 9 Best Apps for Couples to Make Your Relationship Stronger
- 101 Romantic Questions for Couples to Deepen Your Connection
Nicole Krause has been writing both personally and professionally for over 20 years. She holds a dual B.A. in English and Film Studies. Her work has appeared in some of the country’s top publications, major news outlets, online publications, and blogs. As a happily married (and extremely busy) mother of four… her articles primarily focus on parenting, marriage, family, finance, organization, and product reviews.
