How to Find and Define Your Family Core Values

In today's fast-paced world, where distractions are endless and time is fleeting, finding and defining your family's core values can feel daunting. Yet, understanding and embracing these guiding principles are essential for fostering unity, resilience, and purpose within the family unit.

As adults, you may be familiar with the idea of personal core values or company core values. The idea is the same.

The values our parents taught us as children are called family core values, and whether we realized it or not at the time, they influenced the person we’d grow up to be.

Typically, starting in the teenage years, kids begin to question their parents. They may disagree with or ignore some of the family core values they are trying to impart to them.

Younger children, however, are not often capable of making that distinction or exercising free will… so what their parents teach them is usually considered law.

House rules!

Differences aside, values are the glue that holds a family and society together… and often serve as a moral compass when it comes to decision-making, emotional ties, and behavior.

Now that you are a parent, you have the massive responsibility of establishing family core values for your kids. This means that you are tasked with not only leading by example but also teaching them how to think for themselves and behave appropriately in all kinds of social settings.

So, how do you go about establishing and defining these family values?

In this article, I will outline a five-step process to get the ball rolling. Then, I will give you some simple examples of family core values. (I encourage you to make your own.)

Step #1: Sit Down With Your Partner And A Notebook

When contemplating marriage, your partner’s core values likely played a huge part in the decision. 

After all, if you didn’t share similar beliefs, passions, or goals… it’s unlikely you would have gotten as far as you did in the relationship.

On our first date, my husband and I discussed many of these things… While that may seem “heavy” or unusual, we were already in our thirties, and both knew we were ready to find someone to settle down and have children with.

We weren’t there to play games… dating was for mating.

And once our first child came, another conversation about our family's core values needed to happen.

If you haven’t done so already, grab a notebook and sit down with your partner to discuss the kind of children you want to raise.

You also need to take a good look at yourselves and see what you could possibly do better… or change about your own lives. 

Your children will emulate your actions.

For instance, if you work long hours and miss out on many things, you might want to find a way to carve out more family time. 

Family Core Value Goal: Togetherness

As another example, if you tend to spend money on extravagant things… perhaps you should incorporate volunteering or charitable donations into your family's core values. (Check out this list of great songs about family love.)

Family Core Value Goal: Selflessness

You and your spouse promised to be there in good times and bad… for better or worse. You are best friends, which means you should be able to be honest with one another about making changes for the better.

Step #2: Adapting Core Values to Match Your Family

Family values are not etched in stone.

As families grow, kids age, and the world changes, family principles may change. Families need to review and adapt their values periodically, whether it's an egalitarian approach to decision-making, fostering resilience, or ensuring personal growth through life experiences.

This adaptability allows families to navigate modern life's complexities better, accommodating diverse dynamics and influences from generation to generation.

How can you create your personalized list of core family values?

My suggestion is to start with your kids. Get them invested, and the process will become easier.

One night, propose a small challenge to your kids at the dinner table. You can even call it a family homework assignment.

Give them a few days, or even a week, to create a list of their personal strengths and weaknesses. Let them know it will be discussed later.

If you have younger children (under age six or so), you may need to help them with this. It can be done by simply asking them some questions. Things like:

• What is your favorite game or sport to play?
• What is your favorite subject in school?
• How many friends do you have?
• What do you like most about yourself?
• What makes you angry?
• Are you scared of anything?

Questions like these may seem vague, but their answers can teach you a lot. For instance, if your child is scared of the dark, maybe a family core value could incorporate Courage.

If the thing they like most about themselves is how they sing, perhaps your family's core value list could include creativity.

Asking your child a few simple questions is a great way to get the ball rolling when putting together a list of values.

Step #3: Call A Family Meeting and Vote On What’s Most Important

Now that you’ve made your wish list of family core values with your partner and your kids made their lists of personal pros and cons, it’s time to call a family meeting.

If you don’t already do this regularly, you could incorporate it into the core values chart.

Family Core Value Goal: Open and Honest Communication

Family meetings can be as casual or formal as you’d like. Some families I know prefer to have a speaking “object” passed around so that each person gets a turn to say what’s on their mind and share their feelings. The person holding the item can’t be interrupted until they open the floor for questions and comments.

Other families prefer to turn work-family meetings into movie or game nights. They talk a bit about what’s happening before the fun starts. The fun is an excellent way to put anything heavy off to the side and not let it ruin the evening.

You always want to end your day on a positive note.

During the meeting, let everyone share their feelings and keep a running list of the family core values that could arise from what was said.

Using the ones I’ve mentioned above, the family core values list would include:

1. Togetherness
2. Selflessness
3. Courage
4. Creativity
5. Honesty
6. Open Communication

Once your list is compiled, have everyone vote for the ones they want to incorporate.

Keep in mind that there is no limit to how many values you select… but you don’t want it to seem overwhelming either.

You want and need to adhere to your family's core values, so it is okay to be selective about what is most important to you moving forward.

Sometimes, less is more.

Step #4:  Create And Sign a Family Core Values Creed to Display

Now that you’ve decided on your family core values, the next step is to get on the computer and create a creed.

You can use graphics, fancy fonts…, or whatever floats your boat.

The creed can read something like this:

“We, the members of the Jones Family, solemnly swear to do our best to live by the family core values established here on this 19th day of June 2024.

These include:

We promise to help each other grow and support one another in all life’s endeavors.”

Then, have everyone sign the creed.

Even if your kids are too young to write their names, you can get creative and use ink to make a fingerprint instead.

Once finished, find a nice frame or have a canvas print made, and prominently display the creed in your house as a constant reminder of your commitment to your family core values.

Step #5: Come Up With An Actionable Plan to Execute Your Family Core Values

Now that you’ve established your family core values, it’s time to devise a plan of action to make things happen.

First of all, starting early is key to teaching and instilling family values. Engaging children in age-appropriate discussions can lay a strong foundation for lifelong principles.

Consistent reinforcement helps clarify these values, turning abstract ideas into daily practices. Family traditions and rituals play a crucial role, providing a sense of belonging and continuity across generations.

Role-modeling behaviors further enhance learning, as children often emulate adults' actions. Incorporating storytelling and role-playing into daily routines can also be effective strategies in this educational process.

Make a plan of action. It needs to be written, mentioned, and enforced—by both parents and the kids (if you guys miss the mark one day).

Finally, check in with one another regularly to ensure you’re staying on track. If anybody is suffering from certain values, talk with them or call a family meeting.

Family Values Examples:

Family values are the guiding principles that shape the dynamics and decisions of a family unit.

Common examples of family values include:

Love is the critical core value of any well-adjusted family. It is the foundation of family relationships, fostering members' sense of belonging and support.

Respect Is crucial to core family values. It ensures each individual feels valued and understood.

Effective communication: Promotes openness and trust, allowing family members to express themselves honestly.

Integrity: This value encourages honesty and accountability within a family unit. It teaches children to take responsibility for their actions and helps build trust among family members.

Commitment: Committing to one's family is a powerful demonstration of love, respect, and dedication. It involves putting the family's needs above individual desires.

Unity: A strong sense of unity creates a supportive and cohesive family unit. It means working together towards common goals, resolving conflicts peacefully, and being there for each other during tough times.

Tradition: Family traditions create lasting memories and strengthen bonds between generations. They can include anything from holiday traditions to weekly game nights or special rituals unique to the family.

Empathy: Empathy allows family members to understand and share in each other's feelings, promoting compassion and understanding. It helps family members support each other during difficult times and strengthens relationships.

Responsibility: Teaching children about responsibility instills a sense of accountability and self-sufficiency. This value also includes caring for one's well-being and contributing to the family unit.

Flexibility: Being adaptable and open-minded is important in navigating changes within a family, whether relocation, job changes, or new additions. Flexibility allows families to adjust to new circumstances together.

Gratitude: Appreciating what we have and expressing gratitude towards one another fosters a positive atmosphere within a family. It also teaches children to be thankful.

Cultural Values: Families across different cultures may hold a wide array of values, contributing to the rich diversity in family structures and relationships.

Spirituality: Religious or spiritual values play a significant role in influencing traditions and perspectives on life.

Final Thoughts on How to Find and Define Your Family Core Values

As promised at the beginning of this article, I have outlined five seemingly uncomplicated steps to help you establish your family core values.

It isn’t rocket science.

It’s simply taking the time to determine what is most important to you… and deciding what kind of life you want for your children in the future.

Most parents want their children to grow up happy and healthy. Some wish their children great success and financial stability.

Whatever personal dreams you have for your kids, know this:  it starts at home.

If you lay down a solid foundation of family core values for your children early on, you give them all the tools they need to achieve their desired future. 

By being included in the process, they will feel invested and more likely to follow through with the creed.

Remember: you’ve got this. Together, you’ve got anything!

If you want to take it a step further, why not create a family vision board together and include some core values quotes for inspiration?

More core value ideas posts:

• 16 Worksheets for Identifying Your Core Values
• 5 Reasons Why Personal Core Values Are Important
• 5 Steps to Write Your Personal Mission Statement (with examples)

Finally, if you want to level up your parenting skills, then check out this resource that will show you how to get your kids to listen WITHOUT yelling, nagging, or losing control.